A Soapbox Culture

I’ve noticed an odd behavior in several of my classes. One individual will speak up and (forcefully) share their opinion, and then suddenly, there are four other people who sit up and do the same. They don’t bother trying to converse with any of their counterparts; they just continue along with their dialogue like they’re delivering the State of the Union Address. This invariably leads to a cacophony of soliloquies, illustrating a conundrum:  The right to free speech doesn’t guarantee an audience. 

You’re not Invisible.

Um, excuse me. Yes, you. Yeah— I can see you.

Does that surprise you? You are, after all, standing here waiting for me to scan your library books.

And I know you think you’re being covert, but it’s actually rather conspicuous. What with your thumb a half-inch into your nostril, and everything. I know you’re not an amateur, because as you quarry with your thumb, you make an attempt to shield your activity with your remaining fingers.

Yeah. You know, it wouldn’t really be so bad if you didn’t care. Some kids will look you right in the eye while they fish around with their finger halfway to their brain.

But not you. You have a violent pang of embarrassment when you realize I’m on to you. I do my semi-impersonal-customer-service-representative duty as I pretend not to notice your dilemma: what to do with your tainted thumb once you’ve wrenched it from your septum.  

Before I go take a bath in hand sanitizer, let me give you some advice. You’re not invisible. If it bothers you so much that I am aware of your unpolished nose-picking technique, pick in private.

This was too long for a Facebook Status Update: Lauren is Wondering.

Say What?

So, I’m not really one of those girls who adores babies (I always worry that I’ll drop them or something), but I really enjoy toddlers. Mostly.

Sometimes at stores I’ll see a little kid wandering around without a parent in sight. That always makes me kind of edgy, and I start worrying that someone could snatch them. And I worry that some of them would be too nice to make a peep.

Well. Today at work I met a little individual who had her own built-in anti-theft device.

It must have been one of her test run days.

Her very small Indian daddy was trying to checkout two books and a video. The adorable little two-year-old was already grouchy. When she realized that daddy was taking away her things, she emitted a shriek that would put most alarm systems to shame. Both the duration and volume reminded me of those non-lethal anti-pirating sirens on ships.

It took me two minutes to process the books and tape, but I’m pretty sure that’s all it took for me to secure the hatred of everyone in the building. I spent the next hour hearing only the pained buzzing of my inner ear bones.

Those silly Brits: